When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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