The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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