i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
