if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
