found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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