I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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