I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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