I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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