I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
