I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
