I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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