Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
