yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
North Korea, Best Korea!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
