nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
