I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
