I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
In other news, I just burned my penis
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
