I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
