PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
