Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
