Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
