i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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