JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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