Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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