I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
