Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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