it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
