Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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