I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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