I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
