The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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