Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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