did you get engaged???
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
