Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
