Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
