All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
