You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
