he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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