how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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