I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
