That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
