So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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