I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
