So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
