Me. At least after what I've been through.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
