My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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