I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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