it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
