I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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