i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
