Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
